She

She is always on my back trying to get the attention I don't wish to give.
Please leave me alone I don't want to pick up the phone cause every time do I am forced to say no.

If Only

If only there was an apparatus that I could plug into my occipital cortex.
If only the cable used to connect was premium HDMI.
If only,
if only I had the highest resolution printer with colors that one can only imagine.
If only,
If only I could press print and my memories, my visions, my snapshots were in my hands;
If only.

Wednesday Night Into Thursday

I had trouble sleeping and sometime that night between the tossing and turning I had a dream. I dreamt of that same night in that same bed and I was tossing and turning; a dream within a dream. I was laying on my left side facing the wall hugging my little pillow I've held for years when I sleep. I suddenly have a feeling come over me, a feeling I felt in my chest and the pit of my stomach, I familiar feeling I hadn't felt in far too long. My body began to shift and I felt someone lay close to me. My arm was elevated like I was hugging a much larger pillow. I began to hear a voice and the familiar feeling became stronger. He spoke for a while, but I was not paying attention to the information and just focused on the tone of his voice. The voice I had not heard in years. Not too soon after I knew he was done speaking and as I felt that feeling in my chest become weaker and as I felt my arm drop down slowly, I knew he was leaving and I held on as long as could and yelled out, "I miss you and love you and miss you"!
When that feeling completely disappeared and I felt the knot in my throat become unbearable, that feeling started to reappear. My body shifted to the same position as if I was hugging him and this time I listened. "I'm happy I can come and be with you. I love my daughter". I held him as tight as I could and once again I said, " I love you and miss you and even though I'm crying, don't let that stop you from coming to see me. I love you and miss you so much".
With that, the feeling slowly disappeared, my arm once again hugging my small pillow I woke from the dream and I remember that in my dream I explained to husband what happened, showed him the sweat and tears on my pillow case and then I woke up to reality with the remaining knot in my throat and I let it all out Thursday morning.

Even as I type this out, I can't help the knot in my throat from forming. I miss you dad...

Madness

Monica Nichol-Delgado

Swirling colors in my mind

Scatterbrained my thoughts won’t stop

The speed of movement makes me queasy and I remind myself to breathe

Breathe deeply

I exhale and imagine the frustration escape in dark grey clouds of smoke.

What more can I do to relieve the anguish going through my mind?

Swirling emotions running crazy through my body

I am dizzy; I feel sick

Get me off this high

I don’t want it anymore.

Copyright 2010

untiled

I allow my mind to take me back
and when it finally arrives, my body shudders with delight.

Mario Alemán

Mario Alemán

I watch you in the darkness rocking slowly with her in your arms. You hold her strong yet softly as your manuevers make sounds that delight lovers. You sway her slowly, your arms around her curves, your hands gliding down her neck softly, but powerful, rocking and swaying with Passión.

Monica Nichol 2009

Realization

I realize that I'm not perfect and that things I do are not always percieved as the right thing to do. Just because I don't show emotion on the outside does not mean that I don't have compassion, because I do, but there are things that don't bring me to tears. Yet, there are times that the slightest thing can break me down to a mess.
I was always closest to my dad and even though he couldn't use his hands, his arms would wrap around me with the strongest hugs. My mom, who does have the use of her hands and arms has always given me a dead fish. Just like a dead fish handshake, her hugs were dead fish. Since I am an only child and the closest family I have is either 15 hours into Mexico or I don't know how many hours in New Jersey, I don't have the big family bond that others experience. Furthermore, I always bonded more with boys than girls and since boys don't cry and talk about their feelings, well you get the picture. When I did encounter a gal who I could get long with, you could say we had the boy thing in common. We both would get along better with the guys than hang with the girls and growing up, if one of us did have troubles one would assume the strong support role with no tears.
Only one feeling can break me down and that is the pain of my own heartbreak.
The pain that is caused when a father and daughter are involved,
witnessing the pain of an animal,
an older man going through pain(father figure)
Even when a fictional charater goes through pain. (Simba, Edward Scissorhands) all male with exception of animals.
But when it comes to other women, my eyes are dry. I assume the strong supportive role and attempt to provide consolation, but other than that, I don't tear up.
Now, at 36, sometimes I feel like I've missed out on the benefits of sisterhood.
Wow, talk about mother issues...